How to Stop Beating Yourself Up

You know that being hard on yourself doesn’t help you succeed or build your self-confidence. You’d never talk to a friend this way. But somehow you still scold yourself, and then you knock yourself down for doing it. It's like a double whammy. You’re not alone in this. Many people struggle with a critical inner voice. The good thing is, you don’t have to keep talking to yourself that way. You can change it.

Understand Your Inner-Critic

To stop beating yourself up, first notice your inner critic. That is the negative self-talk that keeps running at the back of your head. That’s the voice inside that tells you you’re not good enough, that you should be doing more, or that you’ve failed.

This inner-critic usually develops early in life. It might be the result of messages you got from family, teachers, or culture, messages that communicated you needed to be perfect, strong, or constantly productive in order to be worthy.

Even if you know better now, those old patterns can stick around. The inner-critic might say it’s helping you stay motivated or avoid mistakes, but the truth is, it often leaves you feeling defeated, anxious, down, or ashamed.

If you want to stop beating yourself up, the first step is to catch yourself in the moment when that inner-critic starts talking. One way to spot it is by paying attention to how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling really down, stressed, anxious, or angry, that’s often a sign your inner-critic is kicking in. When that happens, try saying something like, “Oh, there’s this inner-critic again,” and remind yourself, “I don’t have to believe everything it says.” Just noticing it is already a big step.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

How to practice self-compassion is one of the most important things to learn if you want to stop beating yourself up. Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness instead of judgment, especially when things go wrong.

One way it to think about what you might say to a close friend who made a mistake or felt overwhelmed. You wouldn’t tell them they’re a failure. You’d likely say something caring like, “You’re doing the best you can.” That’s the tone you want to use with yourself.

Here are a few simple ways to practice self-compassion in everyday life:

1. Accept your emotions without judgment. Don’t ignore or dismiss them. “I’m feeling really anxious and/or frustrated right now.”

2. Try to explain the reason: “It's because I'm going to miss an important deadline at work and, I’m scared it makes me look irresponsible or incapable."

3. Be kind to yourself. Say something like, “I'm human. I’m doing the best I can.”

4. Take action (if needed): "What do I need right now to care for myself"

Another way to build self-compassion is to think about what you'd want a good friend to say to you when you're feeling overwhelmed. How would you want them to treat you? What kind, caring words would really help in that moment?

Now, try saying those same words to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you’d want a friend to talk to you. Just make sure the things you say aren’t dismissive, like “Just don’t think about it,” “It’s all in your head,” "You need to be strong," or “It’ll be OK.” Instead, aim for words that are understanding and supportive, the way a truly good friend would be.

Each time you treat yourself with compassion instead of criticism, you slowly loosen the hold your inner critic has on you, and bit by bit, you stop beating yourself up as much.

Developing Self-Kindness as a Daily Practice

The next level of self-compassion is developing self-kindness. That means learning to be warm and caring toward yourself throughout your daily routine. You may be worried that being kind to yourself means you’re slacking off or letting ourselves off the hook. But it’s actually the opposite. Being kind helps you stay steady, bounce back quicker, and feel more in control. When you stop beating yourself up and go easier on yourself, you give yourself more room to grow and do better next time.

Here are a few easy ways to practice self-kindness day to day:

1. Notice Your Inner Voice. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself throughout the day, especially when things go wrong: If you spill coffee or make a mistake at work, instead of saying, “Ugh, I’m such an idiot,” try, “Oops, that happens, no big deal, I’ll clean it up.”

2. Speak to Yourself Like a Friend. When you're struggling, imagine what you’d say to a good friend in the same situation, and say that to yourself: If you’re feeling down or anxious, you might say to yourself, “I know this feels really hard right now, but I’m doing the best I can.”

3. Do One Kind Thing for Yourself Daily. Make space each day for something small that makes you feel good or cared for: Take a short walk, listen to music you love, say no to something that drains you, or let yourself rest without guilt.

4. Celebrate Small Wins. Acknowledge the little things you do well, even if they seem minor: “I handled that conversation better than I thought I would,” or “I got out of bed and showed up today—that counts.”

Start with noticing your self-talk and changing just one phrase. Self-compassion is a skill. It builds over time with practice.

You Can Learn to Be on Your Own Side

Being hard on yourself can be a tough habit to break, but it’s not something you’re stuck with forever. You can learn how to stop beating yourself up, and it starts with small, consistent acts of self-compassion, kindness, and acceptance.

You don’t have to wait until you’ve done everything “right” to start treating yourself with respect. You deserve care, even on your roughest days.