Grief Comes in Waves: Why This Is Normal and What It Means for Healing

If you have ever been surprised by how much the pain can return, even after a stretch of feeling more okay, you are not alone.

One of the most confusing parts of grief is how unpredictable it can be. You might feel relatively steady for days or even weeks, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, a wave hits. A memory. A song. A random Tuesday afternoon. And suddenly your chest feels heavy, your throat tightens, and the loss feels just as close as it did in the beginning.

When this happens, people often interpret this as a sign that they are not healing properly and worry that they are not handling grief the way they should. But, in reality, this is one of the most normal parts of grief. Grief comes in waves because healing is not linear, and because love does not disappear just because time passes.

What Does It Mean They Say Say “Grief Comes in Waves”?

When people describe grief as coming in waves, they are usually trying to make sense of its uneven pace. There are moments when grief feels intense and overwhelming, and other times when it is mild and sits more in the background. Both experiences are part of the same process.

Early on, the waves tend to come one after another, barely giving you time to catch your breath. Over time, they often become less frequent or less intense, but they do not disappear entirely. That is not a failure. Actually, this is how grief works.

Grief is not a straight line from pain to peace. It is more like learning how to live with something that changed you.

Why Grief Can Feel So Sudden and Intense

One of the hardest things about grief is how quickly it can show up. You might be doing something completely ordinary, like driving, cooking, or scrolling on your phone, and suddenly feel hit with a deep sense of longing or sadness.

This happens because grief lives not just in our thoughts, but in our bodies and nervous systems. Our brains are very good at making associations, even ones we are not consciously aware of. A smell, a sound, a place, or even a certain time of year can bring up memories and emotions before we have had a chance to prepare for them.

It is not that you were “fine” one moment and broken the next. It is that grief was always there, quietly woven into your experience, waiting for something to stir it.

Common Triggers That Can Bring Grief Back

Grief waves are often connected to triggers, even if they do not always seem obvious at first. Some common ones include:

• Anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays

• Major life events you wish the person were here for

• Music, movies, or places tied to memories

• Stress, exhaustion, or big changes

• Moments of joy that highlight someone’s absence

Sometimes the trigger makes sense right away. Other times, you only realize later why that moment felt so heavy. Either way, it does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means your mind and heart are responding to loss in a very human way.

Being “Okay” One Day and Not the Next

Many people judge themselves for how inconsistent grief feels. They say things like, “Yesterday I was fine. What is wrong with me today?” or “I should not still be crying about this.”

The truth is, feeling okay one day does not cancel out feeling sad the next. Both can exist without contradicting each other.

Grief is not a task you complete or a challenge you overcome. It is process that shifts as you do. Some days you have more capacity and other days, less. That fluctuation does not mean you are stuck. It means you are human.

Does This Mean I’m Not Healing?

I often hear bereaved people thinking: “I’m never going to heal.” this is a common worry that comes up again and again during grief.

Healing does not mean never feeling grief again, or stop missing your loved one. It means learning how to carry on differently. Over time, many people notice that even when waves come, they are better able to stay grounded, take care of themselves, and trust that the feeling will pass.

You can be healing and still miss someone deeply. Those two things are not opposites.

When Grief Feels Especially Heavy

While waves of grief are normal, there are times when grief can start to feel overwhelming or unmanageable, especially if it is interfering with your ability to function, connect, or find any sense of relief.

If grief feels all consuming, or if you feel stuck in guilt, numbness, or despair for long periods of time, that does not mean you are broken. It may mean you need support. Grief looks different for everyone, and there is no timeline you are supposed to follow.

What Helps When a Wave of Grief Hits

There is no way to stop grief waves from coming entirely, but there are ways to be more gentle with yourself.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is let the wave pass without fighting it. Trying to push grief away often makes it more intense. Allowing yourself to acknowledge it, even briefly, can help it move through you.

Grounding can also help during intense moments. This might look like slowing your breathing, noticing what is around you, or placing a hand on your chest as a reminder that you are safe right now.

Over time, many people find it helpful to create intentional space for grief rather than waiting for it to show up unexpectedly. This could mean journaling, talking with someone you trust, or finding small rituals that honor your loss.

You Don’t Have to Carry Grief Alone

Grief can feel incredibly isolating, especially when it does not look the way people expect it to. Others may assume you are “over it,” while inside you are still navigating waves that come and go.

Therapy can offer a space where you do not have to explain or minimize your experience. A place where grief is allowed to be messy, nonlinear, and real. You do not have to be in crisis to seek support. Sometimes it is simply about having somewhere to land when the waves come.

A Gentle Reminder

If grief still shows up in your life, it does not mean you are failing at healing. It means you loved, and love does not disappear on a schedule.

Grief comes in waves because relationships do not end neatly, even when someone is gone. With time, support, and compassion toward yourself, those waves can become easier to ride. Not because the loss mattered less, but because you have learned how to hold it with care. If you are navigating grief and could use support, you do not have to do it alone.

When should I consider getting support for grief?

If grief feels overwhelming, isolating, or starts interfering with your ability to function or connect with others, it may be a sign that you could use additional support. Therapy can offer a steady, compassionate space to talk about your loss and make sense of the waves as they come and go. If you are finding it hard to carry this on your own, reaching out for support can be a meaningful step toward feeling less alone. You can learn more about how I support adults navigating grief on my therapy services page.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grief Waves

Why does grief come back when I thought I was doing better?

Grief often returns because healing is not a straight line. Certain moments, memories, or changes in your life can stir emotions that were already there, even if you have been feeling steadier for a while. A wave of grief does not erase the progress you have made. It is simply part of how loss is processed over time.

Is it normal for grief to feel intense months or even years later?

Yes. Many people are surprised when grief shows up long after a loss. Grief does not follow a timeline, and feeling it years later does not mean something is wrong. It usually means the relationship mattered and still does.

How long do grief waves usually last?

Grief waves can last minutes, hours, or sometimes longer. Over time, many people notice that the waves feel more manageable or pass more quickly, even though they still come. Everyone’s experience is different, and there is no “right” length for grief.

What triggers waves of grief?

Grief waves are often triggered by reminders of the person or the loss. This can include anniversaries, holidays, major life events, stress, exhaustion, music, places, or even moments of happiness that highlight someone’s absence. Sometimes the trigger is clear, and other times it takes reflection to understand why the feeling appeared.

Does having grief waves mean I am not healing?

No. Experiencing grief waves does not mean you are stuck or failing to heal. Healing often means learning how to live with grief rather than making it disappear. You can be healing and still feel deep sadness at times.

When should I consider getting support for grief?

If grief feels overwhelming, isolating, or starts interfering with your ability to function or connect with others, it may be helpful to seek support. Therapy can provide a space to process grief at your own pace and help you feel less alone as you move through it.